Thursday, June 21, 2012

Implications of the Philly Phanatic Lawsuit

Journalists covering the Phanatic swimming pool scandal (the famed mascot’s penchant for tossing people into swimming pools)--

have yet to fully address the implications and possible outcomes of the suit. If alleged victim Suzanne Pierce (spelled Peirce in some accounts) wins the lawsuit, she could potentially take possession of the out-of-control creature. What would result?

I have visions of Ms. Pierce keeping the Phanatic chained in her basement, brought out for menial tasks such as serving guests, while wearing an apron, at cocktail parties in the Pierce/Peirce residence.

Possibly the Phanatic will be forced to perform at Little League games of the Pierce/Peirce son, if she has a son. Maybe the Phanatic would be put to work landscaping the Pierce/Peirce lawns. If so, there are dangers involved. Spurred by a nostalgic memory of his days in Citizens Bank park, the creature might use the opportunity to turn the Pierce/Peirce backyard into a small-scale baseball diamond! Ms. Pierce/Peirce would presumably not be happy with such an antic.

There is, then, the ultimate possibility that Ms. Pierce/Peirce would kick the dumb animal into the street to fend for himself. He’d end up in Center City Philadelphia along with the legions of other homeless. What skills, after all, does the Phillie/Philly Phanatic have other than being a goofball? Visualize the poor creature panhandling on street corners, faded red upturned Phillies baseball cap set on the sidewalk in front of him, waving his arms around wildly as he pleads for any change tossed into the hat. If the team still isn’t winning games, the donations to the fuzzy green guy might be few in number. This is a fate that everyone in the Philadelphia area should seek to avoid.


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